Victim vs. Villain

Victim vs. Villain

Having been raised by a super victim, I am nearly immune to the victim mentality and ways of the victim. Some victims are so attached to their story of pain that they will stick to their suffering, refuse help, refuse to let go and suffer, suffer, suffer.  They want everyone to know how hard they had it, how abused they were, how they were helpless to save themselves. (There is a difference between a true, innocent victim and a self-made victim, a martyr, I am referring to the latter.)

To the victim, this feels like reality. Everyone is out to get them. Their children hate them because they did such a poor parenting job. Their co-workers avoid them. Their friends betray them. It happens consistently so how could it not be true?

They are so hurt that they find outlets for their anger and pain. Anyone who will listen. They lash out at their perceived perpetrators without considering their own role in the current fiasco. They have to make things go wrong in their lives, to keep the negative feelings alive.

I am writing this because I was recently attacked by a victim who had been seething for a year over something I had done, but had never told me. She called me a “bitch” before I even heard that there was an issue, let alone what it was. It was tough to even have a conversation as she wouldn’t adhere to any ground rules to make opening up safe.

She accused me of excluding her from a series of events and said it was the most painful thing that ever happened to her. But she never once asked me to be included. She never told me she wanted to join in or gave me a heads up that she was hurt. Instead, playing the victim, she continued to get more and more upset that I hadn’t invited her. (And actually, I did invite her the first time, which she never responded to so I assumed she was busy.)

Having been told I was a “bad girl” at a young age and then proudly growing into that role, my inner child was not happy with this accusation. I had to let her cry and hold her and reassure her. Taking an higher perspective, I could see this person was too filled up with anger and was missing the basic ability to trust that would have allowed her to discuss the issue with me and resolve it.

In response, she accused me of “blaming” her for the issue. (I guess she didn’t read my “” newsletter header: “No shame. No blame. Just transformation.”) As I say in my breath meditations, blame isn’t going to help anything. Blame is just going to keep the trauma and reaction in place. The only thing one can do to resolve an issue is take responsibility. This doesn’t mean you are blaming yourself. It means you are taking control of your life, your feelings, your circumstances and making a change.

Until a victim owns their anger, they can’t trace it back to the triggering event. Until the victim owns their pain, they can’t set it free from within them. This is why victims get stuck. They are so full of toxic, negative energy that it chokes their vision and actions. They literally can’t imagine a solution because they are so clouded with feelings.

If victims want to stop being victimized they need to take responsibility for where they are physically, emotionally, mentally. They need to stop saying “That perpetrator made me this way.” Because guess what? That leaves the perpetrator in power. Probably the perpetrator doesn’t even want the role he’s been assigned.

For years, I bought into my mom’s stories about what a monster my father was. I was terrified of him. I hated to be with him. I cried when she made him take me to see “On Golden Pond” for my birthday.  Only when I turned 20 did I start to see the truth from the illusion. Yes, my dad was socially awkward, tough and not around when I was a kid. But he wasn’t a monster. (By the way, there is no blame for my mother when I say this. I know she had her own demons to contest with – just as I had mine.)

The problem with victims is that they need villains to cling to their story. Without the villain, they have no identity. So, you better believe if you are around a victim, you have a strong chance of becoming that dark, terrible person capable of unspeakable injustices.

But to this recent victim, I said ‘No.’ I said, “No, thank you. I’m not interested in your pain and hysteria.” I said I could recommend several healers who could help her deal with her pain. And had she approached me without kicking and screaming, I am sure I would have been able to help her as well.

All people need love. All people are entitled to love. All people deserve love and this victim (underneath her cursing) was calling out for love. But as my personal boundaries were not being respected I was unable to give her the love she needed verbally. (I did send light and blessings.)

But to the other people who struggle with a victim addiction out there — this is my suggestion: take responsibility for the role you are casting yourself in. Clear the pain and sorrow through scream therapy, innerchild work, kundalini yoga, my forgiveness meditation and then talk to me about wanting to join the party. The door is always open.

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