Yelling at an Acorn

I am a woman, but for several years I was mistaken for a man. I wore cut off jeans with black combat boots with my hair chopped into a crew cut. I worked non-stop, pushing myself with 9 cups of coffee a day, eating on the go and living paycheck to paycheck often bouncing checks after the paycheck disappeared.

Now I sleep in, I do yoga and meditate. I arrive at my computer refreshed and rejuvenated. I drink 1 cup of decaf in the morning and water for the rest of the day. The difference is that I no longer live in that crippling masculine world. I no longer stare at the acorn and yell at it to grow!

After years of being a workaholic and scorning feminine traits like softness, kindness, ease and grace, I burned out. I realized my life was tense and miserable. I needed balance. The feminine. I needed to learn to relax and let go, to stop trying so hard, to receive, to enjoy, and to beautify.

But after a lifetime of valuing the masculine, I was a tad at a loss. The transition was gradual for sure. I started with massages. Each massage brought me into my body, out of my head. I felt pampered, taken care of, attractive, even loved. I wanted more. I started taking baths. I lit a few candles. I played Sade. That felt good, so I went further.

I bought myself flowers. I wasn’t used to non-necessary expenses. I had to stretch outside my comfort zone. Then as I enjoyed the flowers everyday, I realized they did have a use…beauty. Enjoyment. Upliftment.

I stopped working day and night and began to spend my nights recuperating and having fun. Reaching out to people. Socializing. What a concept.

Next I practiced receiving: At the grocery store. On dates. Any possibility of help and support, I accepted. “Yes, please carry my bags out.” “Yes, please pay for lunch.” “Thank you for the complement. Very kind.”

I stopped “doing” all the time and started “being.” It was the strangest feeling at first. Who am I without a script to write?

Without a task to complete?

Without a goal?

Just existing.

Feeling my feelings,

Listening to my thoughts,

Enjoying my body.

And things started to come to me. Unexpected checks. Great ideas. An influx of energy. So that’s what the feminine feels like. Nurturing. Effortlessness. Caring. I took it further. Mixing the feminine into my masculine. I slept in in the morning luxuriating in bed, writing while tucked under the covers. I took my work to the side of a pool and wrote while lounging poolside. I took breaks during the day, walking in nature, and expressing gratitude to the universe for all the little joys in my life.

I reached balance. (Ok. Maybe I tipped over a little bit after so many years of hard labor.) But I am getting closer to balance. Doing- being- giving- receiving- acting- relaxing. And life is filled with beautiful gifts and miraculous surprises. And the acorn can grow all on it’s own because that’s what it is meant to do—to be – to be an oak tree.

 

 

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